Turning Over Stones

As I was wondering down the magazine isle of a store the cover of Whole Living magazine, a Martha Stewart publication, balancing body and soul, caught my attention. Included was a four week clean eating action plan. This was exactly what I needed. Before starting it recommended that you write down five things that the detox means to you and what you hope to achieve.

1.  Have more energy

2.  Nutrition

3.  To have a body to nature connection

4.  For a vibrant glow, healthy skin and body

5.  To lose a few pounds, of course

I got on the scale and it officially registered on the high end of what I find acceptable. Well, actually it went over that number by four pounds. My skin was looking dull, my eyes red, and I was lacking so much energy that the thought of going to get the mail was tiring. I want to eat more organic as well. That would come along in time. Trying to eat healthy AND organic is a bit too daunting right now. I enjoy eating bread, pasta and potatoes. It definitely lacks nutritional value.

So, week one is all about vegetables and fruit. Basically you’re vegetarian for the first week. I went grocery shopping but couldn’t get some of the ingredients, mostly the spices, too expensive. So sometimes I got stressed out that I didn’t have some of the spices to make a recipe. How would it turn out? So I wouldn’t make a recipe. It also seemed expensive to me to use a juicer, which I thankfully had due to a friend giving me her old one, but it seemed wasteful to me to put so many vegetables through a juicer and have a little juice and having to throw away the rest of the vegetable. So I did the fruit smoothies instead, no waste. I get overly stressed out about these things. So, I would skip meals. By the second or third day the little energy I had was sapped away from me. I sat on my bed in the middle of the day and fell asleep due to no energy.  And then I started adding chocolate into the detox….oh, boy….

Coffee and alcohol aren’t permitted in while following the detox, obviously. I had previously made plans to have drinks with a friend at my favorite local brewery. Initially I was going to bail on those plans but quickly changed my mind. So beer was also added into the detox plan.

In conclusion, this isn’t working. What have I decided? That yes I do want to eat healthier and eventually more organic. But I’m not going to eliminate what I love about life. I enjoy lounging at a coffee house sipping on a macchiato while reading a book. I enjoy going to the brewery with friends and imbibing in the latest ales of pine or lavender. Why eliminate these joys of life? Joy is the reason for getting up and stretching in the morning!

“I heard that your dreams came true”. That line stays with me. In case you don’t know that line is at the begining of “Someone Like You” by Adele. She is so brave to be able to write lyrics so vulnerable. I never thought I’d hear a girl say these words out loud even in verse. Words that should remain in the female vault til the end of time. Though to be honest, I only hope the worst for that other person.

At the same time I ask “At the end of it all how many people can say their dreams came true?” Most everyone has a dream. Pen & paper, word document, buried deep within ourselves, we all send those dreams out into the universe in some way hoping ours are the chosen ones. That just maybe my dream will come true. Not too many of those dreams are honored. Its truly sad. Yet individually we hold the key to our own happiness, our own clouds to sit upon. Definitely not easy and not without struggles. Its true. We can do anything we put our minds to, but we also carry within ourselves the pull, the walls, the closed doors that remain forever locked which in turn close off the hallways to some of those dreams. The mind is so complex that even if we wanted something to happen those blockades are there to hinder those dreams from percolating. So we choose a different hallway. Something easier to treck, less painful and second best. Maybe we’ll get that beautiful house, a decent job, a husband that likes us, close friends and a fantastic movie collection. But that deep down pure happiness ‘my dreams came true’ kinda life seems impossible to me. So most likely your ex is gonna have a crappy semi-blah life you can smile about :) A little cloud to rest on til you can rework on those dreams for your own life.

We get one life. One chance at it all. Maybe its time to start knocking down those walls.

Excerpt from Scott Weiland Not Dead & Not For Sale:

When the record was finished a music writer asked me “Why did you call it Purple?”

“Because it sounds purple” I said. “Besides, that’s a stupid question. Why is your rag called Spin?”

And I thought …because everything has a meaning. There’s a reason why you named it Purple. Then I thought…wait a minute. On many many occasions I have said “Why does everything have to have a meaning? Why can’t something just be?” I’ve said this since high school English class when we had to interpret poems. Maybe it was in defense to the fact that my interpretations were usually different from the writer’s or simply obsolete. I sometimes had no freakin’ clue what the writer meant. I tested this out in college. I wrote a poem and asked my friend to tell me what she thought it meant. Her interpretation was not what the poem was about. Therefore, I think only the writer knows the meaning to his or her own work. The human mind is complicated and mysterious. Sometimes we barely know what we mean ourselves. Especially when it comes from the mind of an artist. Sober, drunk, drugged up, depressed….who the hell knows what deep meaning can come from a work of art especially when emotions start getting involved. Even artists admit to not understanding their own words at times. You have to go into a certain subconscious state of mind and forget about the literal or already established meanings. So just try to get into another persons subconscious mind. I don’t see that as possible.

So again…me trying to figure out who I am, I’m not sure that’s even possible. Maybe I just need to admit that I am a complex human being with many sides that does not need to be figured out at all. Maybe I should just be, enjoy all that I love about life, and try not to define myself. Why do I feel the need to define myself? This kinda changes my initial reasons for starting Tumblr…. 

 Patrick J. Adams-Originally he inspired me as his character Byron in the movie Weather Girl. Web designer, to which I want to be, cute (not sure this is an inspiring trait for myself, but I had to let you know he is. Very!), confident, easily outgoing and funny. Come to think about it, these are traits I want in a guy. Hmm, I’m mixing up my lists….Let me add then, a gorgeous smile, beautiful blue eyes and a great laugh that makes me smile and my heart race. Hey, it’s my blog and sometimes I shift directions. You should also know I’m easily distracted. Then I looked into his other work as a real person and became even more impressed with him. He’s a photographer, another title I wish to hold, and he’s a naturally good actor on TV and in movies. I like that he is an artist in many forms. I need to get back into art. I need to get back into that creative world.

What should I do with this inspiration?  

-Keep up with blogging. Patrick also has a blog on Tumblr.

-Take more photographs and actually use my flickr account. Save for a ‘real’ camera. And learn about photography…I know nothing about the subject. I just like taking cool looking shots.

-Buy a blank paged journal and draw more.

-And as always keep tweaking my life to make it mine

 I thought I was going to write a list and include a sentence or two as to why that person inspired me but instead has became a long version of why I simply love the person. I guess it’s an inspirational list with a twist!

Inspiration lies all around me. From the music I listen to, the movies I watch, the photographs I see and take, to the group of people I choose to draw inspiration from, even the daydreams that lie within me. The more I delve into these things and surround myself with these images and feelings of what I am inside, the more I feel like the true me and begin to create my world and hopefully someday project that unto others and just….be.

Finding who I am is a bit difficult for me, though. I have no single direction that I travel in. A person whose opinion I admire and advice I take once described me as eclectic. I had never thought of myself as being eclectic, but agreed completely with her. Eclectic to me had always meant someone who is cool, walks to the beat of her own drum, and maybe a little bit unusual in that bohemian kinda way. Webster’s meaning: using various sources. Basically I like so many different things from one end of the spectrum to the other that eclectic may be the only way to describe me. I never see myself as I am until others show me. I enjoy hearing their insights on me. Selfish? Egotistical? No. It’s because I don’t see myself clearly and it’s interesting to hear how I’m viewed through other people’s eyes. And quite frankly they are two very different descriptions.

But, if you look closely everything I like is connected in some small way. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the thread that links one to the other, but its there. My next blog will contain my inspirational list. Why not now? I need to think about who and what is on that list and, well, no one wants to read a long blog.

Last year while hanging out on the beaches of OBX I noticed a young kid skimming the water with a small wooden board and thought, “That looks like fun. I’d like to try that.” Well a year later my opportunity arose. My family wanted me to join them on vacation to Surfside Beach, SC along with another family. After a few hours, or was it days, I finally figured out the name of this particular water sport. Skim boarding. I came across this little tutorial and video. There is one guarantee in attempting to skim board. The guarantee: You will fall and you will fall hard. The sand will feel like sand paper. And many visits to hospitals are due to skim boarding. But it looks so easy that you’d think it was a beginner’s sport. And a child in OBX did it! I was doing it!!

Me and my brother purchased our skim boards along with boogie boards. We were ready! My brother went skim boarding first. I watched nervously to try it myself. I didn’t think about the people who may be watching us, or the fact that I may get hurt. I was just nervous. I even let the seven year old try it before I convinced myself to. That’s the good part. I built up my courage instead of psyching myself out. My attempts consisted of me barely standing on the board. My brother was the first to take a scrapping. It didn’t seem major. My turn to try came again. My fifth attempt and I crashed and burned. I ate sand! I stood up and noticed a large span of skin just below my knee was now bright white. Layers of my skin were sanded away. Me and my brother will have matching scars to commemorate our skim boarding experience.

My brother made another attempt later in the week with better success. I watched.

With blood running down our legs you’d think beach day was over. Nope, we still had boogie boarding to do! With our twelve year old instructor giving us pointers we caught some good waves in. Boogie boarding is easy, but still requires a little bit of skill. We kinda didn’t think about our open wounds with sharks possibly lurking in the waters. Not until we were home and mother mentioned it. Oh yeah….

When going to the beach my boogie board will have its place in my car along with the beach chair and umbrella. The skim board will probably go to, but it may take a little longer to convince myself to toss that wood board upon the water and run onto it. Or at least wait until the end of the week to try it.

What I think I’ve learned:

I’m not much of a beach girl. I don’t like the tan lines. Though, I like it better when I’m physically active and not just sitting under an umbrella for hours.

I never want to move to a state that has a hot climate year round. I like the seasons, especially autumn.

My friend sent me a message asking if I’d be willing to go on a blind date with a friend of her husband’s. My chest started to twist and my heart began to race. The mere thought of dating makes me anxious and not in an excited way. When starting this blog I’ve thought about all the adventures I’d go on and the interests that I’d pursue. But the day I got that message I realized that love is an adventure right along with hiking, traveling to different countries, and skydiving. It’s exciting just as it is dangerous. This is one journey I am unwilling to take. I’m not willing to take the risk of a broken heart and a drained spirit. I had two close calls with love since my breakup with a serious boyfriend of twelve years two years ago. And I am very thankful when those chances dissipated. And it’s mostly due to my own insecurities and fears that these connections lasted barely at all. When it comes to love I tend to hesitate or run away and when I do it eats me up inside. It becomes an internal struggle. Sometimes I think I should start dating and enjoy the process, have fun! I’ll probably regret it later in life if I don’t. But when the opportunity arises I simply can’t do it. A good example: I locked eyes with an attractive young man working at the grocery store last week. We both looked down and back up only to lock eyes with each other once again. What did I do? I immediately found the next isle to go down and checked out.

I feel that this is one journey that I will not be going on….not anytime soon. I think I’ll try skydiving first.

A friend’s future plans were as follows: I plan to attend college and to expand my horizons. After graduation I plan to make lots of money, get hitched and move into a very large log house near a lake at the base of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. This spring he moved to Colorado. He has found the beginning to his happiness and I am profoundly jealous. He has actually set out to live his life the way it was meant to be lived.

I watch other people live their lives, passionately delving into activities and enjoying one of their numerous interests. I definitely feel that there is great passion in me waiting to be released. I’m simply trying to discover what those passions are and dive deeper into them. How do I do that? I guess I should choose an interest of mine, dive right in, and then blog about it! Kind of like Julie & Julia, except I’d talk about my adventures in life instead of food and how those adventures will help me discover who I am and what I want out of this life. So here I am! Trying to find…me.

“Leave no stone unturned” Edward Bulwer Lytton